I have made a little discovery. I'm ashamed that recently I've been questioning how come I love Nicci so much, and that if I feel the same for her as I did a year ago.
I got my answer today, when she missed showing up (or is at least taking her longer) at the time she said she could log in. I suppose I still love her way too much as the clock ticks by only deepens the hollowness I'm feeling at her not showing up.
So, it's not that I love her any less... it's just that I learned to endure her absence.
Friday, June 28, 2002
Friday, May 31, 2002
Nicci is finally being transferred to the Air Force, starting tomorrow. Yet all is not well. She came back hurt, and I not mean wounded, but hurt. I can never know what she experienced in her latest mission, but it looks like it affected her greatly. And I, as always, worry about her. She is withdrawn, and I had to coax a night of chatting out of her, dragging her from a friend's home via SMS whining. I'm glad I did, else I would not have been able to talk to her for the entire week.
She didn't even say goodbye when she went to her barracks today, and that hurts. Part of the hurt is that she doesn't trust me to understand, and another infuriating part is the same song about how I deserve something better than her. Can't she understand that if I wanted something else, I'd be looking for it? I don't stay with her out of pity, but because I truly love her.
Do all women have so low self-esteem or only the ones I go out with?
I wish she could love herself as much as I love her. Her pain is my pain, and it hurts me to see her like that. I hope that flying will bring her some resolution, it is her lifelong dream and I hope that it will be all that she was waiting for.
I will probably move to England to work. I have no idea when, if it will be this year, the next, or further, but the fact is that the possiblity is open. I would be in the same timezone as Nicci, and only a small strip of water would separate us, instead of a whole ocean. She would only need to say the word, and I would hop to the fastest transport to Germany to be with her. But she must want that first...
I hate leaving her feeling like that, but she went to sleep and my only communication with her is the cellphone and, come tomorrow, that might be gone too, if her service is not roaming. She speaks of flying on broken wings because she cannot be what I deserve... and I wish she allowed me to call her to set her mind at ease, or that things were different and I could just shut her up with a kiss or a hug when she started speaking like that but, alas, a caveat of Internet relationships is that you can never have that option.
My hopes are hanging from her fulfiling her dream and liking it. I cannot do much else from so far away.
She didn't even say goodbye when she went to her barracks today, and that hurts. Part of the hurt is that she doesn't trust me to understand, and another infuriating part is the same song about how I deserve something better than her. Can't she understand that if I wanted something else, I'd be looking for it? I don't stay with her out of pity, but because I truly love her.
Do all women have so low self-esteem or only the ones I go out with?
I wish she could love herself as much as I love her. Her pain is my pain, and it hurts me to see her like that. I hope that flying will bring her some resolution, it is her lifelong dream and I hope that it will be all that she was waiting for.
I will probably move to England to work. I have no idea when, if it will be this year, the next, or further, but the fact is that the possiblity is open. I would be in the same timezone as Nicci, and only a small strip of water would separate us, instead of a whole ocean. She would only need to say the word, and I would hop to the fastest transport to Germany to be with her. But she must want that first...
I hate leaving her feeling like that, but she went to sleep and my only communication with her is the cellphone and, come tomorrow, that might be gone too, if her service is not roaming. She speaks of flying on broken wings because she cannot be what I deserve... and I wish she allowed me to call her to set her mind at ease, or that things were different and I could just shut her up with a kiss or a hug when she started speaking like that but, alas, a caveat of Internet relationships is that you can never have that option.
My hopes are hanging from her fulfiling her dream and liking it. I cannot do much else from so far away.
Thursday, March 28, 2002
I'm turning into a cry-baby... or more likely, somewhere, somewhen I lost most of the shielding around my emotions and I find many more things getting to me than before.
Case in point: I bought the soundtrack for "Black Hawk Down". While I still have many reservations about watching the movie, most of them a refusal to watch a propaganda film about how much we should thank the U.S. for butting their nose where it doesn't belong. Another one is that Nicci is again on the field, a couple of months before her new training was supposed to begin, and she was sent away again.
I'm afraid that this movie is going to punch me hard.
I bought the CD anyway because I love Hans Zimmer's work, and he hasn't disappointed me yet; this CD is fantastic, and I might just go see the movie to see what Ridley Scott did to be underlined by this music.
But while listening to the track with Lisa Gerard in vocals I was reading the CD's jacket, and my mind suddenly wandered to the subject of the movie, to the soldiers who had to fight through enemy lines to return home. I hate international U.S. politics and their meddling hollier-than-thou position, but I can't stop thinking about how the politicians are using their young in their wars, how each soldier, as unjust as his war might be, is a person with a family waiting for him. My throat closed up with the music, with the memories of Nicci going MIA last year, and thinking how many people have been in my position, but their aftermath was much different than mine: their loved ones did not return.
So, I'm bringing a lot of tissues when I go to see "Black Hawk Down", because I'm sure I'm going to cry for the people that see their lives destroyed by the bloodthirst of petty leaders from both sides of all conflicts.
I once told Nicci that she had saved me from an emotional apathy I was falling into. And boy, is this correct! I'm crying for U.S. soldiers, dammit! Oh, the irony......
Case in point: I bought the soundtrack for "Black Hawk Down". While I still have many reservations about watching the movie, most of them a refusal to watch a propaganda film about how much we should thank the U.S. for butting their nose where it doesn't belong. Another one is that Nicci is again on the field, a couple of months before her new training was supposed to begin, and she was sent away again.
I'm afraid that this movie is going to punch me hard.
I bought the CD anyway because I love Hans Zimmer's work, and he hasn't disappointed me yet; this CD is fantastic, and I might just go see the movie to see what Ridley Scott did to be underlined by this music.
But while listening to the track with Lisa Gerard in vocals I was reading the CD's jacket, and my mind suddenly wandered to the subject of the movie, to the soldiers who had to fight through enemy lines to return home. I hate international U.S. politics and their meddling hollier-than-thou position, but I can't stop thinking about how the politicians are using their young in their wars, how each soldier, as unjust as his war might be, is a person with a family waiting for him. My throat closed up with the music, with the memories of Nicci going MIA last year, and thinking how many people have been in my position, but their aftermath was much different than mine: their loved ones did not return.
So, I'm bringing a lot of tissues when I go to see "Black Hawk Down", because I'm sure I'm going to cry for the people that see their lives destroyed by the bloodthirst of petty leaders from both sides of all conflicts.
I once told Nicci that she had saved me from an emotional apathy I was falling into. And boy, is this correct! I'm crying for U.S. soldiers, dammit! Oh, the irony......
Saturday, March 23, 2002
Wednesday, February 06, 2002
I'm having that nagging, annoying premonitory feeling again. Or I don't know if it is, which makes it more annoying still. I'm feeling a bit irritable, uncomfortable, etc. the same feeling, or one very alike, to the ones I have when something happens. I'm not sure if I should attribute it to my rather mentally exhausting week of writing a 64-pages sourcebook as an emergency because the original author failed to deliver, or because something happened to Nicci, who is away on an exercise, and hasn't answered my messages to her cel, like she has the previous days.
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